Starting on Friday, October 23, CSS will begin conducting random sobriety tests on weekends to ensure student safety. With a large portion of the college’s funds tied up in COVID testing and prevention, the administration was unable to provide CSS with breathalyzers and other conventional resources. Luckily, a Dining Services employee suggested using the zig-zagging Whitman’s line to test balance and coordination.
“Ya see, what I like to do,” said Chuck Lyne, the Whitman’s employee, “is get to every meal shift real early, ya know, and set up the line barriers really close to the wall so no kid can slip on through. Then I make ‘em walk the whooole line -- back and forth, back and forth -- even when no one else is there!” According to Lyne, he began doing this on a regular basis even before CSS expressed a need for a sobriety testing facility.
Lyne claims he expects the test to catch almost every drunk student, because “None of them can make it through when they’re sober, anyways.”
President Mandel has expressed her gratitude for Lyne’s suggestion. “Students don’t realize this, but I can see a lot of the campus from my house because it’s so big” she explained at a press conference. “I’m particularly thankful for all the wonderful students on the first two floors of Frosh Quad for adhering to a strict 8 pm lights-out policy on weekends, but I’ve been noticing some rumblings elsewhere on campus.”
WOC Director Scott Lewis, recently homeless after his tree in front of Paresky blew down, has spent nights aimlessly looking for a place to crash. He told a Haystack reporter that during his nightly strolls he has seen a burgeoning campus party life.
“It’s crazy, man,” Lewis said. “I’ve been seeing these huge parties. Groups of three… no, maybe even four students together… outside… sipping beer. Wild, man!” Lewis went on to describe a rowdy time when he swears he saw two students chase each other up a tree with their mouths full of acorns. When our reporter explained to him that these were likely squirrels, he refused to believe it. “Oh yeah? Then how come I talked to them?”
Dean Sandstrom was not asked to comment for this article, but she wrote a letter to The Haystack swearing she will be sending another email shortly, guaranteeing her a place in our next Instagram post.