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Wow! The College Pledges to Give First Vaccine Doses to Anyone Who Will Go Out With Me

With the spring semester beginning, students and faculty alike have been left anxiously wondering just how well Williams will replicate the success of the fall term. Since November, cases across the country have skyrocketed, but a new presidential administration and the initial rollouts of multiple vaccines nationwide lead many to believe that the Covid-19 pandemic, just like my last relationship, will soon be something of the past. In a recent email to the student body, President Mandel outlined Williams’ own plan for the distribution of the College’s vaccine doses across campus. The plan, entitled the Student Inoculation Management Proposal, or SIMP, for short, included a comprehensive guide to student qualification for vaccination during the three phases of the semester:

  • Phase 1: Anyone who will go out with me

  • Phase 2: That guy that fought Jose Canseco

  • Phase 3: Everyone else (except acapella kids)

  • Phase 4: Acapella kids (maybe / if they wanna like grab lunch sometime or something like that)

While the vast majority of the College understood the importance of giving priority to the Barstool dude, several students seemed unsure of the need for Phase 1, even in spite of recent studies showing that I am both “occasionally fun to talk to” and “pretty personable and not at all annoying most days.” In response to these criticisms, Dean of the College Marlene Sandstrom explained that the decision was in part influenced by a recent report that I had listened to Coldplay’s “Fix You” 47 times in the past two days. “Throughout this year, we’ve all had to reckon with the immense privileges we are afforded by being at this institution. Our constant access to testing and numerous other medical resources can sometimes leave us with a certain sense of guilt. As such, we wanted to do some good for the community, and we figured this would be a path to do so,” explained Sandstrom. Further evidence supporting the College’s rollout plan can be found in the graph below:

Obviously, the road back towards normalcy is a long and, occasionally, treacherous one. However, the College’s new plan is a bold initiative that will propel us all forward to better, easier, and, most importantly, healthier times. At the end of the day, it would seem there is no other way to save our community and make us whole again. Also, please I really need this one guys.