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Wise Sophomore Boy Who Took Math 150 Generously Shares Wisdom With First-Year Girls



Last weekend, Riley Bonnell ‘22 was standing behind two first-years, Rebecca Maloney and Katie Perez, in line at ‘82 Grill. As he casually eavesdropped on their private conversation while pretending to text his many, many friends, he overheard the women in need discussing their spring schedules, both of which included Math 150.


“When I heard one of them say she was ‘nervous about the workload,’ I just knew I had to do something,” said Bonnell. “I actually took Math 150 last year, so I understood the stakes.”


According to eyewitnesses, Bonnell squared his shoulders, took a deep breath, and bravely inserted himself into the conversation.


“I’ll never forget what he said to me,” said Maloney with tears in her eyes. “He said, ‘don’t worry. It’s not that hard if you do the homework.’ And that really stuck with me.”


“He changed my life,” added Perez. “Because of Riley, I believe that women can do anything. Even take an introductory math class.”


“It was really, really beautiful,” confirmed eyewitness Sammy Park ‘21, as he tenderly finished splinting the wing of an injured sparrow. “No one else was doing anything. But he stepped up. That guy is a real hero.”


Audrey Shields ‘20, an ‘82 worker who was on duty that night, told The Haystack that Bonnell’s actions inspire her to be better. “I took Math 150,” she explained from her hospital bed. “I could’ve helped. But I let myself get so distracted putting out a massive fire that I didn’t even try. I’ll never forgive myself for that.”


Several students have formed a committee dedicated to immortalizing Bonnell as an American hero, and are currently consulting with several artists about building a life sized butter statue of the feminist Adonis in the center of campus.


“It’s what he deserves,” said senior and committee head Andy Steelman, as he worked in vain to free several small children pinned beneath a giant boulder. “Riley Bonnell is the kindest, smartest, most generous man in the entire world, and it is only right that he is treated as such.”

Editors-in-Chief

Lucy Walker     Noah Cohen-Greenberg     Sam Mermin