Search

Virus Politely Declines to Spread After Hearing Everyone in Group is Close Friends


A potentially dangerous misunderstanding was narrowly avoided last night in Gladden A3 when a macromolecule of SARS-COV-19 nearly spread from one student to another, before being informed at the last minute that the two students were close friends.

“I’m not, like, an asshole.” said the Virus, “When I saw that those kids were friends, I was like, ‘this would be kinda mean, I’ll just kill 100,000 more old people.’”


James Johnson, one of the students, recognized how the situation could've been perceived as dire. “No, obviously I wouldn’t have hung out with someone who wasn’t my close friend. But I was with Matt, and we’ve known each since, like, forever, so I wasn’t too worried about it.”


“When I tell you my jaw dropped,” the Virus told our reporter, demonstrating by dropping his jaw. “I don’t spread between people who know each other well. And I don’t really make mistakes—people tell me I’m pretty socially perceptive. I’m actually a Sagittarius.”


Students were initially alarmed by the Virus’s presence in the room, but it struck a diplomatic tone and de-escalated the situation quickly. “Hey guys, hey—nobody be alarmed. Yeah, can you just turn the music down for a second? Yeah, I just wanted to apologize—I had no idea you all were already friends. Didn’t mean to kill the vibes. You have a good night.” The Virus then walked out the door to go find some people standing in line to receive food donations.


“I mean, I think everybody basically knows how this all works at this point,” it continued. “I’ve been very clear about this: you can only catch me from people out on the streets who look unfamiliar and sorta old. As a general rule of thumb, the only people you need to worry about are people you don’t know who look really really poor. Nobody wearing Canada Goose can be infected. It just doesn’t happen.”


All the students involved in this 19-person gathering claim that they take the pandemic very seriously. “I wear a mask in every single situation where it doesn’t present any small inconvenience to me,” said Katherine Billingsley ‘22, who showed up from yet another pod, but was also friends with everyone else last year (don’t worry). “And, furthermore, I post lots of memes about anti-maskers on Instagram.”


The students involved were all tested last week (except for the ones who skipped because they forgot) and were negative, making them practically immune. “It’s not like I’ve even been anywhere except my pod, this pod, the dining hall, the other dining hall and also Tunnel three times this week. It’s basically like I’ve been in quarantine,” said Billingsley.


The Virus was feeling admittedly embarrassed after realizing all the students had been tested. “I forgot that a negative test a week ago means you’re invincible forever and can never die,” it said. “This is a scientific fact that only these kids know and no one else. My b.”


The students in question were called into the Dean’s Office the night after the incident. “I was very, very concerned,” said Dean Sandstrom, “I was honestly seething with anger—we’ve really been so clear about the rules.”


But after hearing their story, she immediately realized that she was the one being ridiculous. “I just had no idea that everyone in the room knew each other like really well,” she said. “They’re all super tight. Honestly seems like a pretty fun group. I just want to see them win.”


President Mandel took the time to personally apologize to the students the following morning. This apology occurred in person, because the Virus agreed to stay away as it always does if you want to have a gathering badly enough. “You guys are all so smart and responsible,” Mandel told all 19 students. “Your parents should be proud of how thoughtful and caring their children are. I think it was pretty obvious in the way I wrote the social distancing guidelines that the only reason you would ever want to break them in the first place also happens to be the only allowable excuse.”


The college and the Virus want students to remember that though things are bad right now, the most deadly killer is bad vibes among good friends.


“Obviously this semester we have many many new rules,” said Sandstrom. “But the student body can’t forget that in the College’s pandemic preparation policy, the number one rule is to be yourself and have fun.”


Editors-in-Chief

Lucy Walker     Noah Cohen-Greenberg     Sam Mermin