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Vaccine Shuttle Reportedly Just Your Podmate's Bike


Last week the College shared it’s plans to help students get vaccinated by doing absolutely nothing to help them get vaccinated except offering transportation to any appointments that students manage to find by themselves––if the appointment happens to be at one of two specific locations. An email from Fred Puddester explained that the college will provide shuttles for students who secure appointments and can’t drive to them. Today, Pudderster announced that the “shuttles” will be your podmate’s bike.


“We are proud to announce that, beginning April 19th, all students will be allowed to travel to vaccine appointments on their podmate’s bikes,” read Puddester’s email, which had the subject line “Great News About Vaccines.” “Students who live in a pod in which nobody owns a bike are welcome to use the bicycle of a student in an adjacent pod, request a college-owned bike from the office of accessible education, or go fuck themselves,” the email continued. The College is encouraging students to use their own bicycles if possible, because their podmate might have ultimate frisbee practice and not feel like walking to it. But Puddester stressed that all students who do need a podmate’s bike for transportation will have access to it, provided they email Deb Flynn and wait 6 or 7 days.


When we reached out to Puddester for more information on what inspired the plan, he was more than happy to divulge. “We expect that with the college’s emotional support, you’ll be able to pedal faster and harder than any car could ever take you,” he said. “And think of how this helps the college’s divestment plan!” Additionally, the College figured a plethora of students would attempt to get vaccinated over the health days, and what’s healthier than a nice, 6-hour bike ride to Springfield and back, right?


In regards to questions over bike supply, our talks with OAE revealed a shocking lack of communication within admin. While they, like Puddester, reiterated the “go fuck yourself” talking point, they also clarified, “We figure that some students may even have private helicopters, and we to encourage you to get to your testing appointment in the coolest way possible. A Williams College van has got to be like, bottom tier; like, you might as well have your parents drive out and take you hahaha… unless they actually can because we don’t have like… a ton of bikes.”


Students are permitted to travel to vaccine appointments on tandem bikes, provided that both riders are in the same pod, are both wearing masks, and are wearing matching outfits. Tandem bike usage with non-podmates is strictly prohibited, as, of course, is tandem bike usage between sets of podmates who are not adorable best friends.


Unicycles, according to Puddester, are “more than fucking allowed.” Though the office of accessible education does not have any unicycles for students to use, those who are able to secure their own are welcome to ride it to an appointment, and are not even required to wear a mask, because, according to Puddester: “Anyone who rides a unicycle is probably hot. It’d be a shame to put masks on those faces.”


As a conclusion to our conversation, Puddester gave us a summary of the administration’s intentions: “Our lack of help, I think, will really build the character and independence that you’re going to need later in life, and again, honestly, with all our love, fuck you.”