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Study Finds Lee’s Open All 23 Hours of the Day You Don’t Want to Go There


In keeping with its tradition of pretending to investigate itself in order to please students, the College recently conducted a study to determine the hours of operation of Lee’s Snackbar. The study found that Lee’s operates for an impressive 23 hours per day, 7 days per week, though the specific 23 hours of operation each day are, according to the report, “irregular.” The official press release stated that “the Snackbar is open at all times to all students, with the exception of you during the times that you want to go."


In the aftermath of the study, many students felt upset, though not surprised. “I first noticed something odd about their hours when I showed up to order a sandwich last week, and the second the guy at the register saw me he started furiously putting everything away and then put up a ‘Closed’ sign right as I got to the counter,” said Tim Garcia ‘23. “Then he ate the exact sandwich I was going to order until I left. Pesto chicken on rye. With provolone.”


The College has insisted that these hours are intended to make food as easily and fairly accessible as possible for all students. “We’re open almost all the time,” said Jim Lee, owner and operator of Lee’s Snackbar. “It’s not my fault you idiots don’t know when to come.”


When pressed on whether the Snackbar’s hours were really practical for students, Lee became visibly enraged. “Well I’m sorry if the best we can do isn’t good enough for these little princes and princesses,” he said. “It’s easy for them to go around making these big requests about being able to come to Lee’s ‘when they actually want food’ and not being ‘denied service on the basis of showing up,’ but my job is to run a business, so I can’t spend time listening to these snowflakes."


Complaints from students have been particularly common on weekends, when no other food is available. Angela Russell ‘21 reported showing up at Lee’s last Saturday afternoon and being told to “come back later, once you don’t want to come anymore.”


The College has published a helpful list of times when students are likely to be successful in ordering from Lee’s, including between 2 and 4 AM on Monday and Tuesday nights, during their scheduled class times, and directly after finishing meals at other dining halls.

Editors-in-Chief

Lucy Walker     Noah Cohen-Greenberg     Sam Mermin