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Students Petition To Make Turkey Vultures 30% Smaller, Citing “Too Big”



Last Thursday, students across campus banded together to address what they saw as the College’s biggest and most pressing issue: turkey vultures are too big.


Elena Zip ’23, who organized the petition, told the Haystack that “those freaky guys have gotten away with too much for too long,” and that it was time somebody did something about it. She created a petition to address the issue, and quickly gained three hundred signatures from fellow classmates who agreed that the vultures needed to be taken to task and made a normal size that birds should be.


Zip recalled staring up at the vultures roosting on top of Sawyer. “I just remember thinking ‘wow. Those look like regular sized birds from down here. And Sawyer is tall. And if they look regular when I’m far away what do they look like up close? ’” Zip thought about it for a while, and realized, very big.


She wasn’t the only one. Brigitta Von Trapp ’22 told the Haystack that she had seen one up close, and that it was “as tall as a 3’11’’ human child, if that child was kind of squatting, and also eating a squirrel tail.”


“I woke up early to go to the gym and there were a couple of them in Currier Quad, just lounging around like they owned the damn place,” said Von Trapp. “Worst thing about it is that they are so big. If they had wanted to steal my backpack, they could have.”


“What’s in your backpack?” we asked. “Why would they want that?”


“They can’t have it” Von Trapp replied. “It’s mine.” Fair enough.


“Look, we’re not asking for a lot,” said Greg House ’24, head of the CROBS (Committee to Reduce Obscene Bird Size). “30 percent seems reasonable on the part of the College, and on the part of the vultures. We just think that the birds on campus could be a little less fucking gigantic. We’re not trying to reinvent the wheel here. We could have asked for 90 percent, but we’re looking to collaborate.”


When interviewed, Dukes Love, Provost of the College, said that “Turkey vulture size is not a current financial concern of the College, and the administration has no plans, nor no future plans, to attempt to reduce their size,” in response to an instagram direct message. “Birds are allowed to be whatever size they want. Williams has always believed in that,” he added.


Students decided to take matters into their own hands and negotiate with the vultures directly.


Screech Wilkins, representative for the Turkey Vultures, said he didn’t find the students’ request unreasonable. “We’re big! We know that,” said Wilkins, crunching up a frog leg. “If my guys have some wiggle room, we’re not gonna just throw this whole deal away. The question I’s gots with the students is, what’s in it for ole Screech and his buddies?”


Zip has considered this question carefully, and agrees that if the vultures agree to be more normal, a select committee of students will drive to the Rensselaer Petsmart once a month, purchase a horde of baby hamsters, and release them onto the grounds of campus.


“I’m happy to say we all came to a mutual agreement,” said House. “That’s the beauty of the liberal arts.”


“Yum,” said Wilkins. “Ol’ TVs love us a lil hamster in the morning. Cheers. ”