While the current weeks-long quarantine and impending end of the world have been less than pleasant for many, one student has found this period to be “honestly not that bad if you think about it.” The student in question, Caden Cooper ‘23, feels he’s made some significant self improvements over these past few weeks. With each passing day spent entirely alone, Cooper gets another taste of the feeling of not completely botching every single social interaction he has.
“Mommy and I have known each other for almost 20 years,” Cooper told our reporter, not at all smoothly. “So every day I know I can count on doing pretty well in my conversations with her. Not to brag. Am I bragging?”
Cooper spends the rest of his time by himself in his room, rotating between gunning for A’s in his pass/fail classes with extreme passion, and masturbating with what is at this point much less passion. Cooper told our reporter that he feels like he’s “really figured things out,” and is “excited to totally crush it when I’m back on campus next fall, for our fall semester which we will definitely have.”
On a standard day of studying alone in his childhood bedroom, Cooper has exactly zero awkward interactions with classmates, which is the average rate for a Williams student this semester but also the best rate. “A lot of people will be surprised when they see me in the fall,” said Cooper. “Partially because they won’t remember me from last year but also because I’ll be so charming and fun to be around.”
Now six weeks removed from the last time he looked up too late and awkwardly mumbled hello to a classmate he wasn’t sure he knew well enough to say hi to, Cooper was brimming with confidence in his Zoom interview with us. He made solid eye contact with our reporter the whole time and didn’t even apologize for the way his face looked on camera. The reporter described this new, happy version of Cooper as “insufferable.”
On Wednesday evening, Cooper made the bold choice to wear a baseball cap, which the judgemental gaze of other students on campus would usually prevent him from doing. After 20 minutes with no negative feedback, he felt emboldened to turn it around and wear it backwards. He then continued his passionless viewing of Friends with the bliss of absolute ignorance of what he really looked like.
“There’s a certain confidence about him that didn’t used to be there,” Cooper’s mother explained. “And it is completely fucking unwarranted.”