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Stoner Kid In Your Philosophy Class Posits All Of Us Are Wearing Masks All The Time, Actually


Today’s meeting of PHIL 491: Who The Fuck Do You Think You Are had to be ended 45 minutes early after some deeply insightful, boundary-pushing comments from Jayce Spindlesnapper ‘24 who responded to a comment from Anne Jones ‘22 about how it was “nice to go to the gym with no mask yesterday” by positing that perhaps, if viewed through a certain lens, some of the “fakes” and “posers” at this college might, perhaps, still be covering up their real faces in a different way.


The emotional and philosophical weight of Spindlesnapper’s comments did not land with his classmates immediately, as most assumed, based on Spindlesnapper’s bright red and nearly completely closed eyes that he had truly been having trouble deciphering whether the other people in the David J. Paresky Center for Student Life were wearing masks or not.


But after eight minutes of Spindlesnapper speaking very slowly, Professor Ian VanBrane realized he had a genius on his hands, and sent the class home to process what he assumed would be one of the defining moments of their lives.


When we approached VanBrane to inquire as to this genius’s whereabouts, we found him sitting in his office, brow furrowed, stroking his chin and staring at a chalkboard sketch of a lightbulb.


“The boy is probably off somewhere thinking! Leave him be!” VanBrane yelled at us before ushering us out of the room.


We were finally able to track down this country’s new Aristotle when we noticed a crowd of gorgeous women gathered in Sawyer quad and identified the man speaking and slowly gesturing in the middle to be Spindlesnapper.


He quickly excused the women (in whom he has no interest, in comparison to ideas) and agreed to talk to us.


“Man…” Spindlesnapper told us with a sigh in the interview. “Fuckin… fucking… you know.”


When we pushed for more, Spindlesnapper was eager to open up about his feelings towards conformity and ingenuousness on campus. Pausing a few times to effortlessly blow Bilbo Baggins style-clouds out of a well-worn wooden pipe, he explained that “People just fucking… you just gotta.. Man, I honestly don’t know sometimes… fuck it!”