Yesterday’s fun, silly, non-stern email from Marlene Sandstrom to the student body included a helpful list of factors students might want to consider before committing to return for the spring semester. While the email claimed that the spring semester might be “a fun time,” it also urged students to be mindful of the fact that the weather will be cold, they might feel isolated socially, and the army of the dead is marching south at a rapid pace with plans to wipe out not just the student body, but likely the entire human race.
“This enemy never tires,” Sandstrom wrote at the beginning of a section titled ‘Residential Kitchens.’ “Each of you should make the decision that you think is best for you, but it would be wrong of me not to nudge your attention towards the fact that a vast army of immortal soldiers is marching towards us with the express intent of slaughtering every last one of us. I just think that might affect your judgement of whether or not campus is the right place to be in the spring.”
The College has very detailed plans in place for the spring, though administrators have been clear that some of the plans may have to change if humanity is wiped out prior to February 17th. “If a large army were to lay siege to campus, it is possible that we would have to re-think the process for queuing up in dining halls,” President Mandel told our reporter. “I can’t say I have a specific number of deaths in mind for at what point we would start making drastic changes, but I will say that if more than 80 percent of us were turned into zombies, we would have to take a good, long look at ending in-person instruction for the year.”
The email also included detailed explanations of the College’s plans regarding student health insurance, dining hall hours, and the difference between returning from a personal leave, an academic leave, and a health-related leave. “It is very important that you fill out the correct form,” the email read. “In all cases, our response to your request may be slightly delayed if we are engaged in combat with the army of the dead, but the remaining living members of the Dean’s office will review your application once the fighting is finished, and it would be a real shame if, after all that, you had filled out the academic leave form when you were actually trying to return from a personal leave.”
The administration claims it has taken every possible step to make the spring semester operate smoothly, but acknowledges that some aspects of the current situation are beyond its control. “I have not directly asked the federal government for help with this problem,” said Mandel. “But it would certainly be nice if President Trump could refrain from publicly praising the Night King and calling me a ‘pathetic little baby’ for saying that I hope my students aren’t slaughtered by White Walkers.”
“Look,” said Mandel, setting down her horn of ale and ushering her squire out of the room. “I understand how frustrating it might be for students that we can’t tell them in advance whether a certain class will be hybrid or remote. It is my sincere hope that Econ 252 can be taught in an in-person format, but if more than one or two students are touched by the Night King and turned into wights, I don’t think it would really be responsible to have them showing up to an in-person class, so we need to keep our options open.”
Sandstrom insisted that she really does think returning to campus will be the right decision for some students, but she just wants everyone to be making an informed decision. “I don’t think everyone is quite grasping the severity of the situation,” she said (not sternly though). “I’m the only one here who’s ever looked the Night King in the eyes.”