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Report: The College Finds Kid Who Took My Coat At 66 Guilty Of Heinous Crimes



In a recent announcement in the town square, Sheriff Maud proclaimed that the student who had so villainously snatched my jacket from the good Christian household of 66 Hoxsey St. is a fugitive of the highest degree.


Sheriff Maud wasted no time beating around the tumbleweed, only laying down the cold hard law of the West by saying, “That no-good rapscallion has tarnished our good college’s name, and I most certainly will not stand for such blatant criminality. I’ve alerted Deputy Marlene to post signs of the bounty across campus that we may find this sick, twisted individual.”


Several students, fed up with these local bandits, hooted and hollered in agreement. “Yeah we’re gonna catch that there sumbitch, just a matter a time. Me and a couple of the boys already set up bear traps next to our coats, case these malicious individuals get any a their nefarious ideas. I tell you what, I tell you what, any folk try that down here at Goff’s ranch, well let’s just say there won’t be no pleasantries thrown around,” stated Jebediah Springwood ‘23, echoing the Sheriff’s sentiments.


In response to these dubious desperados taking up their place in our town, several students have begun to drown their sorrows at the Purple Saloon. When several of our journalists went on down there to check it out, they found a mighty lively scene. Students were in there dancing as Lydia Spittoon ‘22 played a few ditties on that there piano in the corner. Pretty soon, however, a commotion broke out when two tutorial partners decided to take their feud outside and settle it with a duel. After taking five steps away from each other and turnin’, it was ol’ Johnny Whistleblower ‘24 who put one of em square between the eyes of little Ronny Weatherspoon ‘23, dropping him like a thirsty horse at a watering hole in July.


At the moment, the identity of this outerwear villain remains unknown, but several witnesses reported them as having “a hook where one of their hands shoulda been” and a “gaze that could kill a man right where he stood.”