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Report: I Wouldn’t Blame Me for Hitting You With My Car at This Late Hour




It’s dark. It might be raining, or maybe those are just my tears. Jk haha? I’m driving all alone on my way back from Walmart, listening to Rick Astley’s 80s hit “Never Gonna Give You Up.” In my trunk there are five boxes of Raisin Bran, a Nutribullet, and some Nathan’s Weiners. And you know what? If I just happened to run you over right now, it wouldn’t be my fault.

Here’s the thing. I have 15/20 vision, so one of my eyes is ¼ blind. And it’s like, how can you expect me to see you in the dark? You might be crossing Route 2, or maybe you’re on Park street. You might even be walking on the sidewalk. It doesn’t matter. Hypothetically, if I hit you with my hypothetical Prius, it wouldn’t be my fault.

Sometimes when I’m driving I like to close my eyes and just relax. It’s how I decompress, you know? Then sometimes I’ll hear a thud and just keep rolling.

Theoretically, it might be raining again tomorrow. Don’t check the weather. It’s just a guess. If it were raining again, and I forgot to take the sunshade off my windshield, how on earth could you blame me for running you over? It would be, like, the opposite of my fault.

So, if I were you, I might avoid crossing the street. What’s that, you’ll sue me? Oh. That’ll never stand in a court of law. I know. My dad is a criminal defense lawyer.

What did you say? You’re worried about your wee little bones? Well, you don’t know what real pain is. The vending machine ran out of Bugles yesterday, right at 3:00. 3:00 is my daily Bugles hour. If I don’t get my 3:00 Bugles, I can be a very dangerous man.

I know some people say it’s bad to run people over, but those people have clearly never been in a car. It’s like being in a tank. Indestructible. Anyways, kids, stay away from the roads. You never know which corner I’ll come flying around.

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