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Professor of Mathematics Steven Miller Flags 100,000 Lost “Best Kiss” Teen Choice Award Ballots



In a sworn declaration, Professor of Mathematics Steven Miller said his analysis of voter data and phone interviews with Teen Choice Award voters raises questions about as many as 100,000 ballots requested by teens. KJ Apa & Camila Mendes (Riverdale) and Noah Centineo & Lana Condor (To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before) were separated by just about 82,000 votes for the elusive title of “Best Kiss.” The Haystack felt it was our civic responsibility to uncover the true results of this election, so we spoke to Steven Miller in an exclusive interview.

After his monumental success in exposing election fraud data, Miller felt it his responsibility to keep other democratic processes in check. He used data DM’d to him by Mr. Appa via Instagram as well as data he got by “just sorta asking around.” In the data, he found three concerning patterns. One involved possible votes that were not counted, while another involved ballots that appeared to be requested by people not officially registered as Teen Choice voters. Thirdly, he was deeply concerned that people had not actually seen the season finale of Riverdale.

To see if there were any lost votes, Miller called around to his friends on the Riverdale fans Reddit page and asked if they had voted. Unfortunately, many of his friends had not caught up on the most recent episode, so, as a true “Archiekins,” which was, as he explained to us, a fan of KJ Apa, he was not going to spoil the ending. He marked those who had not seen the final episode as lost votes for KJ and Camila. If he accidentally called someone who hadn’t seen the show, or if the call went to voicemail, he would also mark those as lost votes. “If they had watched the show, they would have seen the true, unadulterated, magnetic, fervour between KJ and Camila. They would have most surely voted for them. So, it’s basically just like a lost ballot.”

He then continued to explain to us how the statistics played into all this but all I heard was “beep boop number white man statistics number bleep borp seven.” Whatever it was, though, it sounded pretty math to me.

When asked how the data was collected, Miller responded, “Well, KJ’s assistant pushed random numbers on her phone. If someone answered, she’d ask if they had voted in the Teen Choice Awards. If they had not, she would ask if they had seen Riverdale. If the answer to that question was yes, then we would mark them down as a lost ballot. If they said no, she would also mark them down as a lost ballot. If they said that they had voted, she would hang up immediately. She did this about 20 times and got bored. 19 out of the 20 had not voted for the Teen Choice Awards so I just rounded that lost ballot count to 100,000 and waited for my Fields Medal.