Op-Ed: I Have Never Eaten a Vegetable at Williams

Hi, Williams, it’s me, Jason. And I’m here to tell you about how I have never eaten a vegetable at Williams.

First and foremost, I will begin by an analysis about what is a vegetable. Pasta is not a vegetable because even though it comes from a plant, it doesn’t look like a plant anymore when you eat it. If you eat wheat straight, though, I believe that is a vegetable. Unless it is cereal. Despite common narrative, a tomato is a fruit and a vegetable, what some might consider a subversive footnote in any fully developed theory of types.

With “vegetable” fully defined and explored, it is time for me to commence the second section of my argument in which I will be explaining about how I have never eaten a vegetable at Williams. One time I did eat cereal, which was wheat, but that was not a vegetable. I also ate a pickle one time, but in Section 14 Article 4 of my priorly published Treatise on the Nature of Pickling and Dressing Salad (with vinegar) I establish that pickling removes the essence of vegetable from vegetable. I also one time ate a potato, but it was baked, and I put bacon and cheese on it. In most cases a potato is a vegetable excepting the case in which it is the main substance of the meal. Also one time I ate celery, but it was a garnish in a soup, so therefore as garnish was devoid of all culinary properties.

With all cases and counterarguments fully addressed, I will complicate my stance slightly on how I have never eaten a vegetable at Williams. On Saturday, October 24th 2018, I had far too much to drink and was not in control of my actions. In the ensuing chaos, I both drank V8 juice and ate a candy gummy shaped like an eggplant. In some ontological setups, it could be claimed that I ate a vegetable in drinking one, or that I ate a vegetable in form when I ate candy that looks like a vegetable. However, I reject both of these hypotheses because of my adaptation of the theory of non-vegetable categories in Martin Heidegger’s analysis of legumes and herbs in Bean and Thyme.

In conclusion, the reader cannot in good faith argue with my central claim, and it must be conceded that I in fact have never eaten a vegetable at Williams.


Lucy Walker     Noah Cohen-Greenberg     Sam Mermin