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Not So Wicked: Three Dead After Tom Brady Argument


Last Sunday held the eleventh game of the NFL season, a win for the New England Patriots, and tragedy. An argument concerning whether or not the Patriots “eat shit for breakfast,” spiraled out of control and left three students from Philadelphia dead.


“Fuckin muffed that one up,” said Connor O’Quinby ‘22, head in his hands. “Muffed it real good.”


O’Quinby, from “just outside of Boston,” said that although he knows he made a mistake, it was the Eagles fans’ provocations that really caused the fight.


“So I’m just sittin there in my down cellah eating a grindah watchin the Pats game mindin my own business when these fuckin fraps from Philly decked in fuckin bobos come up to me saying ‘Tom Brady kisses his son on the mouth.’ And I try to keep my head down and calm my livah, cause I’m not just some townie from southie who can’t handle his tempah, but of course I gotta defend Tommy, and one thing led to anothah and we took it outside, and I hit them all with my cah.”


When state police arrived on the scene they treated O’Quinby with extreme caution. O’Quinby, whose only prior run-in with the police was “at a hoobangah in the Jetties after a game at the Gahden,” was very frightened as well.


“I was sure the statie was gonna bag me but I explained myself to him and I told him what the fraps were sayin about Tommy and he went back to his cah, and I could sweah he was gonna get the cuffs, but he came back wearin his old Pats hat and I knew I was gonna be okay.”

Editors-in-Chief

Lucy Walker     Noah Cohen-Greenberg     Sam Mermin