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New Glossier Product Just a Small Jar of Water

Needle reporting has uncovered that the new Glossier product that Audrey Daniels ‘21 ordered while quarantined in her house is nothing but six drops of water and a little bit of glitter in the most beautiful packaging ever created. Daniels, who was expecting something a little bit more substantive, was disappointed with the product. “I was expecting something cool and new and different. I thought maybe I could use it to try Euphoria-style makeup looks, but really it just makes me look wetter.”


The product, named “glasswater milk dew honey glow,” (intentionally named in all lowercase for marketing) isn’t designated for any specific part of the face. According to a Glossier employee, the consumer is supposed to spray it in the air, do a little spin, and let it land where it may.


Glossier told the Needle that the product came exactly as advertised. “Listen, does it cover blemishes? No. Does it have any kind of coloring to it? No, unless you count the glitter. Does it have anything in it besides water? Again, glitter. But look at the pretty shiny packaging! Looks like rainbow!” said Glossier employee Sunnydew Montclare. The motivation for making the bottles so beautiful is partially part of their marketing strategy, but also serves the company’s sustainability mission.


“Our bottles can actually also function as little houses for our consumers. Because our demographic is tiny petite women, after they finish with the product, they can actually fold themselves up and live inside the bottle when they’re done,” said Montclare.


After buying nine bottles, generously discounted by 10% by Glossier, Needle reporters returned to Daniels, who had just purchased three more Glossier products. The first was a “bronzer” called “Golden Dew Summer Powder” which was just a jar of glittery dirt. The second was called “Honey,” and was just a jar of honey, the purpose of which was entirely unclear. The third was just air, but in the most beautiful little bottle ever made. “I just can’t resist the packaging. All those little white bottles make me feel like a Parisian socialite who just can’t be bothered to care about putting a lot of makeup on," said Daniels.


Another successful product, the “Milk Jelly Cleanser,” has been popular because Glossier has banked on the fact that no girl can resist the scent of milk or jelly. While the product contains neither milk nor jelly, and is really just soap in a bottle, it’s been flying off the shelves. As one Glossier product spokesperson said: “flowers and floral scents are out. What women want is gelatinous dairy on their face. Nothing screams beauty like milk. I’m a marketing genius.”

Needle reporters and Daniels plan to fill their time away from school experimenting with new makeup looks, which should turn out dewey and effortless in a kind of sweaty way. Still Montclare urged consumers to remember one important thing.


“Our products are for hot people. Glossier won’t make you more beautiful, so you have to bring that yourself. Our goal is to have other people say, ‘look at that girl, why is she so wet looking?’ which draws attention to you so they can realize you’ve been hot the whole time. If you have blemishes or not awesome features our products simply will not work.”
















Editors-in-Chief

Lucy Walker     Noah Cohen-Greenberg     Sam Mermin