Even if you have managed to escape the painful void of loneliness for most of this year, human connection will still be missing on February 14. You signed the Community Health agreement, bucko, so now you will quarantine alone in your room on Valentine’s Day. There is no need to worry, however, because the College is offering plenty of online programming to keep you occupied.
Scheduled immediately after Scott Lewis’ “Love Poetry for Squirrels,” Williams College President Maud Mandel will sit down for a livestreamed dinner with her husband.
The administration has been hard at work discussing various ways for students to celebrate Valentine’s Day safely while quarantined. “The College first considered drawing faces on students’ bottled water to keep them company,” said Mandel, “but I also like to gloat. So the livestream is a better option. They get to see romance and I get to rub it in their face that I’m happy.”
The Haystack sought to deepen our understanding of the faculty’s point of view. We first tried to interview Dean Sandstrom, but she declined to comment. Sources indicate she is bitter because her water bottle idea wasn’t picked. So then our reporters agreed to humor Scott Lewis but the poor guy only wanted to talk about his squirrel poems.
“Hey Ephs!” he beamed during our Zoom interview. “Boy, do I have some good ones for you! What would you like to hear first, ‘Nuts About You’ or ‘Acorn-y Love Poem?’” Oh my.
In a lengthy email to faculty and students, Mandel wrote, “The livestream will begin promptly at 7 pm EST. Remote students, of course, are welcome to attend. As always, IWS facilities are available for anyone this display of a successful relationship depresses.”
The menu for the evening was heavily focus-grouped by the college. “We wanted this meal to be as inclusive as possible,” said Temesgen Araya, head of Dining Services. “So we decided students should see themselves reflected in the meal.” Further investigation by our reporters revealed this amounts to a hearty plate of penne alla Natty Light.
To compete with the Mandel programming, an embittered Sandstrom will host an alternate livestream teaching the craft of Poland Spring googly eye design. I might just call it a night, though, and go to sleep early.