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Male trustees uncomfortable with testing being conducted by “something called the Broads Institute"

As the College nears the end of a successful semester during a global pandemic, most administrators are enormously proud of their COVID-19 prevention measures, particularly the bi-weekly testing conducted through the Broad Institute. But while “President” Mandel has heaped praise on the testing program and declared the semester an overwhelming success, the people who actually run the college are a little more skeptical of the “scientists” we’re relying on. Earlier this week, The Haystack was contacted by several male members of the Board of Trustees, who all feel deeply uncomfortable with the amount of scientific testing that the College has entrusted to “an entire institute full of broads.”

“Nobody supports equality more than I do, but this testing is pretty important stuff, and there’s no room for silly mistakes or incompetence,” said Augustus Morgan ‘31, just after he had fumbled a jelly donut and made a mess all over his faded yellow button-down shirt. “Maybe I’m not being ‘PC’ right now, but there are lives at stake.”

Ebeneezer Hopkins ‘1889 echoed the sentiment that his and his colleagues’ discomfort with the Broad institute was not based on any feeling that women are inferior to men. “Some people might say I’m a sexist, but I am fully committed to including women at this College. Seriously, broads are welcome here. Period. Would a sexist say that? Would a sexist say that they love broads?”

President Mandel has tried to explain at several board meetings that the Broad Institute employs both men and women. “I tell them they’re misunderstanding the name, and usually their response is just ‘are there broads doing the science or are there not broads doing the science?’ and, I mean, I assume there are women who work there,” she told The Haystack. “But really I don’t even need them to understand. Usually when I tell them we need money for something I just make sure to say ‘football’ or ‘brotherhood’ and they’ll pay whatever amount I ask for.”

Despite their strong opposition to the Broad Institute, the Trustees have yet to take any action. Part of the reason for this may be that they are unable to walk, drive, or use a computer. “Truly, this is not right,” said Jebediah GreenRiver ‘41 P’64 GP ‘88 GGP ‘13. “I am committed to keeping our students safe by hiring some tall, strong doctors named Mark or Ronald or something, and I plan to officially terminate our contract with the broads as soon as the head broad responds to the fax that I sent her last month.”


Editors-in-Chief

Lucy Walker     Noah Cohen-Greenberg     Sam Mermin