Letter to the Editor: My Boob Fell out During This Chemistry Final and I Don’t Know What to Do

Dear Editor,

I’m writing in with a sticky situation that I’m not exactly sure how to remedy. I am currently writing to you from my chemistry final, because I need a quick answer. To give some background, I had worn a fun and flirty top to the exam because I thought it would give me a confidence boost that I needed to get above a 62% (the grade I need to not fail this class). It’s low cut and says “Yes I’m a slut, yes I do chemistry, problem?” I thought the shirt was apt for the occasion. However, as I was measuring my solution in a graduated cylinder, I looked down and noticed that my entire boob had fallen out of my shirt. I write to you, dear editor, seeking advice. I’m not sure how many people have noticed, or whether anyone has noticed. But if I do something now, like try to put it back in my shirt, it might draw more attention to me, and then everyone would know that my boob is out, and maybe even see my boob. I could cause a distraction, like throwing a paper airplane or pulling the fire alarm, but I don’t want to disrupt the hard work of the other students around me. Also, as I throw the paper airplane, or pull the fire alarm, people might look in my direction and see that my boob is out, which is the opposite of what I want. I’ve also thought about pointing to another girl in the room and shouting “Oh my god, everybody look now, her boob fell out.” But that seems a little ruthless and anti-feminist, and I like to think I have integrity #womensupportingwomen. I write this letter to you, phone in one hand under the desk, boob in the other, so I am a little worried that I won’t do well on this test, as I have no hands left to do chemistry with. Oh god, now the other boob has fallen out. So to recap, I have my phone in one hand, one boob in the other, and one boob out. People are starting to stare now, and I’m not sure if its because my phone is out during a midterm, I’m half naked in south science, or if its because I’m loudly sobbing. I will eagerly await your advice on what I should do next in the next publication of The Needle.


Sexy Scientist


Lucy Walker     Noah Cohen-Greenberg     Sam Mermin