Due to the increasing danger of traveling abroad and the completely unforeseen possibility of a three month period during which all the people who are current students at Williams choose to attend Williams, the College has released its plan to accommodate the “completely incalculable” number of people who will be on campus next year. According to the plan released by Secretary of Housing and Urban Development Douglas Schiazza, singles will be turned into doubles, doubles will be turned into triples, and if there are still more students to be housed, then “we might have to have a little fun.”
The College announced today that, if worst comes to worst, ten to fifteen students will have to spend the 2020-21 academic year living at Douglas Schiazza’s house. Schiazza himself has stressed this situation will probably be avoided, as students would only be forced to live at “the crib” if the College’s Housing Plans 1-4 all fail.
“Running out of regular beds is not likely,” said Schiazza. “Running out of single-doubles and having to resort to Plan 3 is unlikely. Needing to use Plan 4 is highly unlikely. And getting all the way to Plan 5 is super duper unlikely times infinity. But oh what fun it would be!”
The College has acknowledged that these arrangements might feel a little strange at first, but complicated times call for complicated measures. “It’s just this weird balancing act where you have to figure out a way to make sure the number of beds is as high as the number of students,” said President Mandel, fiddling with the abacus on her desk. “That’s almost impossible unless you have some way to control the number of rooms that are built. Or the number of students who are admitted.”
The College considered a few other outside-the-box options before the "Doug Plan," but was forced to resort to truly drastic measures after explaining to a baffled Scott Lewis that no students were interested in living in his treehouse, or joining his new “WOOLF trip every night” club.
Schiazza doesn’t think students will mind living at his house with him because he’s usually gone anyways, spending most of his time “at the office” working on his tri-weekly email explaining how the housing lottery for this year will work through the exact same process as always but the offerings will just be worse.
Schiazza was last seen walking through dorms and counting the number of rooms to make sure it hadn’t changed since the last time he’d had a free moment to check.