Doug Schiazza recently sent out a survey asking for Williams Students’ opinions on. . . housing? This reporter hasn’t read the email, but Schiazza was generous enough to share some thoughts on the survey with The Haystack, particularly regarding the last question: “Can I join your pod?”
“Oh, that?” Said Schiazza, his cheeks growing flush with embarrassment. “That was mostly a joke, just some humor to lighten the mood… unless you’re looking for a cool guy to hang out and share a bathroom with, in which case definitely fill out the survey.” Schiazza went on to clarify that he’s “not, like, desperate or anything” –– his words. “It’s cool if you don’t fill out the survey — I actually have a bunch of really good friends who have already filled it out, like we all got together and hung out and filled it out at the same time and we really had a blast. Dave is definitely a soft yes on me joining up with him and the Dean Machine.”
The only person we could confirm as having filled out the survey was Dean Dave, who denied most elements of Schiazza’s claim. “Doug invited me over to his dingle in Agard and told me there would be girls there, but when I got there it was just him and Scotty Lewis. Scott doesn’t know how to use a computer, so he just sat and sang camp songs while Doug made me do the survey. Then he asked if I wanted to stay after and play some Magic: the gathering, but I heard Sandstrom’s was going so I lied and told him I had a lot of work. I think he bought it.” When asked what he responded to the last question, Dean dave told us that “Doug’s a really nice guy and all, but I got a really cool thing going with Buke and Sewey. I just don’t wanna mess that up. Also, did Doug call us the Dean Machine? He always does that shit. Like I said, nice, but man, he’s a fucking weirdo. Wait, are you recording this?” We were, indeed, recording.