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"It’s Lonely at the Top,” Says Econ Major With Job Lined up, Also Trapped in Thompson Tower

Jordan Bradley ‘21, the best econ major his parents ever seen besides his brother, has already secured a coveted position at Goldman Sachs following his graduation. Being that it’s only the first semester of his senior year, Bradley has risen above his peers, figuratively and literally. “What can I say,” said Bradley. “It’s lonely at the top.” At least, that’s what we assume he said, given that he was yelling down to Haystack reporters from the top of Thompson Chapel.

Bradley ran into a spot of trouble last week when, after climbing up the tower to “bask in the glory of being employed before everyone else,” and to “look down at all my peers as if they’re tiny little ants, because that’s what they are to me, tiny tiny little ants just waiting to be stepped on,” he found himself stuck. Haystack reporters ventured up to help him out, only to discover that the door wasn’t locked, but that Bradley was too scared to climb down the “really steep stairs.”

Others have similarly tried to help Bradley, to no avail. “We offered to show him how to get down after we finished learning our arrangement of WAP,” reported Bell Ringer Bartholomew Waddlesworth ‘22. “But he told us ‘you don’t get to where I am in life with ‘help from others,’’ so we locked him up there behind us when we left.”

“I got to where I am through hard work and perseverance,” Bradley told Haystack reporters. “And I mean that. I climbed, like, so many stairs,” he flashed down to us in morse code using a mirror and a beam of sunlight. “Oh, you meant the internship? My dad’s the CEO.”

When CSS sent a few officers up the tower to help guide him down the stairs Bradley reportedly begged them not to call his dad, saying “please don’t call my dad. He’ll be so mad at me. My brother has never gotten stuck like this.”

Our reporters immediately informed his parents of the situation. “I was so worried when I heard my son was stuck in a tower,” reported Bradley’s father, Brad Bradley. “But then I realized you were talking about Jordan, not my firstborn Brad Bradley Jr. I’d be devastated if anything happened to him.”

“To get to the top you need to climb the ladder of success,” Bradley told us via carrier pigeon. “Bezos said that I think. But to get to the top of this tower I climbed the stairs.”

His peers have taken the loss fairly well. When asked if they were worried about him, one student responded, “Who?”

Bradley’s Econ professor, Daddy Warbucks, reported that Bradley was an ok student, despite having an appalling attendance record.

“I had him last semester in Griffin 1 and he was fine,” said Warbucks. “But then when we moved to the top floor of Hopkins this semester, he just stopped coming to class. Not sure why.”

While Bradley is reportedly more successful than them, (according to reporting conducted by Bradley), his peers don’t feel inferior to him.“Yeah I may be unemployed after college and forever,” said one of his peers, Clementine Arabella ‘21, an English Major. “But at least I know how to climb down stairs. And that’s a skill I will retain for the rest of my life”

When asked where he plans to go from here, Bradley flashed us his million-watt smile and gave us a wink.

“There’s nowhere left to go but up,” said Bradley, as he climbed out of the window and onto the roof.


Editors-in-Chief

Lucy Walker     Noah Cohen-Greenberg     Sam Mermin