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I Lived It: He Called Me “Dude” in a Text



I don’t know what to do. I was texting Greg last night (the one from psych, with the hair) and it was going really well. Like, I made a really witty comment about how cold it was outside, and he said it was “so true,” and then later he sent me this video of a dog wearing snow boots, and I said “haha me.” And I was like wow, this guy is really into me. And that’s when he said it: “We should hang out sometime, dude.”


What am I supposed to do with that? I thought we were flirting, but now I don’t know what to think. I mean, he called me “dude.” So maybe he’s just being fun and casual. But then also, maybe he hates my guts and hopes I die.


Let’s unpack this. Right before he called me “dude,” he said, “we should hang out sometime.” Which seems like a good sign. But then, he added “dude.” He typed out the word “dude,” looked at it, decided it was appropriate, and hit send. So what does it mean? Does he want to go out? Or does he want to throw me in the trash because that’s where I belong?


And then he said, “I want to make love to you all night long, for hours and hours, man.” Man? What the fuck? It’s like he actually wants to see me suffer; he’s sending so many mixed signals! Why can’t he just tell me he thinks I’m an ugly piece of shit? Why can’t he say that he doesn’t value me as a person and hopes that I go choke on my own vomit like the dirty little worm I am? No, he has to toy with my mind, because he just loves the power trip. Disgusting.


This is so unproductive. If he could just tell me, conclusively, how he feels, this would be so easy. But now I have to be a fucking detective and look at all the evidence . Like when he said, “right when I met you I immediately knew that we were made for each other, and I wouldn’t have it any other way,” I thought that maybe he was into me, but last week when I texted him at two in the morning he responded seven hours later with “Sorry I didn’t answer your text bro,” which makes me think that he thinks that I’m a plastic trash bag full of cow manure and broken light bulbs whose existence is a waste of oxygen. I just can’t tell!


Wait— He just liked the meme I sent in the class GroupMe. Ok, never mind. I take everything back. We’re totally gonna fuck.

Editors-in-Chief

Lucy Walker     Noah Cohen-Greenberg     Sam Mermin