A team from the Williams College Geoscience Department made history this week by unearthing the first gay fossils to ever be found in Masschussetts. The team, composed of Professor Amy Stone and students Jessica Grannit ’21 and Timothy Bowl-Derr ‘21, were on a routine excavation of the Hoosic riverbed when they made their gay discovery.
“I was in shock,” said Professor Stone, who is straight but says she’s ‘down with the cause.’ “I’d never seen such beautiful, gay fossils before in all my years of doing rock science. The minute we laid eyes on them, I knew we’d stumbled onto something gay.”
The fossils, which looked pretty much just like normal fossils to the Haystack reporter on the scene but which the Professor assured us were very, very gay, date back to the Cretaceous Period, which is the gayest period on the geological timeline, according to a recent study. After they are thoroughly examined, the fossils are to be shipped out to a LGBTQ-friendly research lab at the University of Cambridge in England, in order to be presented at the world-famous Sticks and Stones (And Also Bones) Symposium.
“Of course I wish we could keep them in our lab here at Williams, but it would be selfish for us to keep such an important gay discovery to ourselves” said Grannit ‘21, fondling a chunk of limestone.
“This was such an amazing learning experience for us,” echoed Bowl-Derr ‘21 through the mouthful of gravel he was chewing. “Very few geoscientists get to see gay fossils this up close and personal. And these fossils are really gay. Gayer than any of the ones in our textbooks.”
The last time scientists found gay fossils (latin name “homo-fossilis”) was in 2009 in California, though the fossils discovered there were neither as well preserved nor as gay as the ones found this week in Massachussetts, making this a truly revolutionary find.
“This is a huge step towards equality in the fossil community,” Stone explained. “These fossils are very, very brave. I’m really proud of them for having the courage to be who they are, even though they’ve been dead for literally thousands of years.”
However, it wasn’t all smooth sailing for these scientific pioneers. According to Professor Stone, the excavation team was originally composed of four people. The missing member, former TA Serena VanPebbles ‘21, was kicked off the team after she reportedly called the legitimacy of the find into question.
“Literally all I did was ask what made the fossils gay,” said VanPebbles, who was stripped of her Geos major and TA title after the accusation. “They didn’t even answer me. Professor Stone just told me to pack up my rocks and leave.”
Despite their rocky start, this team of investigators are poised to take the scientific world by storm, and rumors are circulating that they may be up for the prestigious Carly Rae Jepsen Ally of the Year Award in 2021.
“It would be such an honor to win,” said Stone. “But really, I’m not doing this for me. I’m doing this for all the little gay fossils out there who never get to see fossils that look like them in the media. I’m here to tell them that they are valid, they are loved, and most importantly, they are gay. Oh, and dead. Super, super dead.”