After President Maud Mandel sent out her latest email announcing the formation of a committee dedicated to forming other, smaller committees, friends and family of the self-identified “Committee Wizard” knew it was time to speak up. Over the past few months, Mandel’s proclivity for committees has sparked concern from those closest to her, as well as everyone she’s ever emailed. This Saturday, those concerns came to a head at an intervention.
The intervention, which was held in the living room of Maud’s fucking enormous house, was planned by Mandel’s husband Steve Simon, and was attended by Mandel’s family, her closest friends, and Scott Lewis. The intervention lasted an hour, during which participants read out statements about how the committees have been affecting them.
“It started with the Faculty Steering Committee. Then it was the Committee on Covid and Campus Life Policies. And then the Committee for Making Frosh Quad Smell Weird, and the Committee for Deciding which Trustees are the Hottest, and the Committee for Punking Scott So Hard He Cries,” said Simon to a very uncomfortable Haystack Reporter, and a crying Scott Lewis who was already on edge after being yelled at for tracking mud into the house. “It was getting out of hand. This committee for forming smaller committees was the last straw.”
Simon kicked off the event with a deeply emotional testimony detailing the effects of the committees on his relationship with Mandel. “When you wanted me to cook dinner, you used to text me and ask me to cook dinner,” said Simon, fighting back tears. “Now you send me an email from your work account letting me know that I’ve been selected to participate in a Meal Planning Committee for the Week of September 15th.”
“Last month, you formed an ad-hoc committee to plan my birthday party, and then you didn’t even show up,” declared Marlene Sandstrom, whom Mandel only hangs out with because her mom said she has to. “When I asked you where you were, you told me you were busy chairing the Committee for Making The Dining Hall Vegetables Really Soggy, and that we could hang out another time. We never did.”
In addition to being a wake up call for Mandel, the intervention reportedly brought all who attended closer together, said Mandel’s third-best friend Doug Schiazza. “We all have our demons,” explained Doug through a mouthful of egg salad. “Maud is my very best friend. I’m talking number one, no one else compares. It’s only right that I’m there for her in these times.”
The intervention had a profound effect on Mandel, who tearfully promised her loved ones that her days of committee-forming were behind her. “I have such an amazing support system.” said Mandel after the intervention concluded. “I had no idea my love for committees was affecting them so strongly. I can’t believe they did this for me. Planned it. Scheduled it. Decided who would be in attendance, and what their general goals were for the meeting, and oh god, it’s so good, so so good.”
Mandel was then ushered into the next room, where she could still be heard screaming about sending out a When-to-meet.