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Fourth Prong of Mandel’s Public Health Model is “Suspense and Deception”

Yesterday The Haystack sat down with President Maud Mandel to discuss the College’s COVID containment strategy in the wake of several positive tests and a potential super-spreader event at Gladden house last weekend. After navigating a perilous maze and answering a set of riddles three, our reporter was able to enter a dark chamber where Mandel sat perched on a throne with a large hood obscuring most of her face. “I’m so glad to be able to discuss the public health measures with you,” she said as her guards beat our reporter with pillowcases full of batteries and told them to “leave now if you know what’s good for you.”

Mandel was generous enough to set aside four minutes to speak with our reporter, who was allowed to ask whatever questions they wanted as long as the answers didn’t force Mandel to reveal any “sensitive information” like whether the college had a plan for dealing with the new cases. “We’ve been very clear about our protocols for handling a positive case,” said Mandel, gesturing to a chalkboard where she had written “Thank you for your hard work” above a drawing of a cow wearing a mask. “We’ve never wavered on what the strategy is: we start with preventative measures, then we test and trace, if there are violations we have to punish people, and then to make sure everything’s really running smoothly we spin an elaborate web of confusing partial information to make sure nobody gets complacent, or is able to relax or enjoy themselves or feel safe in any way.”

We had more questions, but Maud then vanished into a trapdoor in the floor which we were too scared to go into.