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Football player to study a broad as long as he gets to pick which one

Derrick Myers ‘22 was sure that his chances for studying abroad his junior year were over when the COVID-19 pandemic hit. Much to his surprise, the Office of International Education and Study Away informed him that he may very well be able to to travel this spring with new progress being made towards a vaccine.

“I was thrilled when they told me I could study a broad,” said Myers. “I just really hope that she’s hot. They say you should study your passions, you know?” Myers is a WGSS major and simultaneously on the football team. “Yeah the registrar almost didn’t let me declare WGSS because she said it ‘just felt weird,’ but eventually they let me do it,” said Myers. “To be honest it’s been a little disappointing. I thought the girls we were studying were gonna be hotter, but maybe they are as you get to more advanced classes.”

When we expressed surprise at his choice of major, Myers replied “Why? I just love studying women. I study them all the time. On the street, at parties, in the dining hall. I just have a thirst for knowledge.”

Still, Myers has had problems determining which program is right for him. “I went to the study a broad fair hoping to figure out what my options were,” said Myers. “But all the broads there were super old and kept telling me how enriching the culture in Germany was. I’m hoping the one I actually get paired with is cooler though.” Myers was asked to leave the fair when someone suggested a study in Chad, which caused him to start yelling that he’s not gay, flipping tables to show how strong he was, and saying over and over “I want a girl one, I want a girl one.”

Myers has already prepared some of his research materials for his upcoming project. He prepared a carrel in Sawyer loaded with copies of Cosmo magazine and decorated it with pictures of J-Lo. He’s also started watching Gossip Girl and follows Kate Hudson on Instagram.

“I was so excited to get my research Carol,” said Myers. “I thought it would be so helpful to have a broad helping me. But then I found out it was just a little desk in Sawyer and honestly I was pretty bummed out.”

Myers understands that his experience will be different because of the pandemic, but is still excited about the prospect of the experience. If this were a normal year, Myers claimed his first choices for study would be Margot Robbie or maybe Rhianna, but he knows the school probably won’t risk flying them here due to the pandemic, and “wants them to stay safe.”

Christina Stoiciu, director of study away, met with Myers to figure out where he wanted to study abroad, but found quickly that the two were not on the same page. “He just kept saying ‘her place probably, since I have a roommate.’” said Stoiciu.“We were going to tell him what studying abroad actually was, but it felt like telling a kid that Santa wasn’t real.” During the meeting, Myers claimed he also didn’t care where they studied, as long as the broad “had a bangin’ bod,” was “tall but not taller than me,” and “was also into Avicci (rest in peace).”

“People say studying a broad changed their life, and are always talking about personal growth,” said Myers. “I’m really excited to use this woman, whoever she is, to fuel my own personal growth. I’m actually really good at it and do it all the time.”



Editors-in-Chief

Lucy Walker     Noah Cohen-Greenberg     Sam Mermin