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EA Hoxsey Basement 2k19 to Release This Saturday


Clear your schedules! Claim your common rooms! Get out your gaming stations! This Saturday, EA Entertainment releases its next hit title: Hoxsey Basement 2k19, the groundbreaking open-world video game advertised as Grand Theft Auto meets Dance Dance Revolution meets Streetfighter.


“Hoxsey Basement is fucking dope,” says John Bank ’20, “It was honestly half of the reason that I decided to come to Williams. I just wanted a school with a big virtual party scene.”

The soundtrack, which is a mix between songs by Homebrew and music from Spotify’s “Lit Rave” playlist, is one of the many features of the game that draws players in.


“It just makes you feel like you’re really there, you know,” continued John, who was playing the game seated in 70 Basement. “I actually met my current girlfriend in-game.”


But the most appealing part of the game is the freedom it offers, says John. “Oh it’s amazing. I can go from beating the shit out of my ex-best friend in 66 to winning Civil War in 70. You can wander the street naked, and you won’t even get in trouble with CSS like I did on the real Hoxsey!”


The main character of the game, Ronan Blueberg, is voiced by three-time academy award winner Daniel Day-Lewis.


“When they offered me the job I was happy because I love working with EA, but I was also worried that I might be too old for the part,” commented Lewis. “I mean, I’m playing a 21 year old. I’m 61! I don’t even understand why these kids need a computer game to have fun. In my college days, we would just get shitfaced and throw rocks at Jimmy!”


Excitement on campus couldn’t be higher. Unfortunately, that comes with some negative consequences. In preparation for the release, teachers are gearing up for a week of absences, students are preparing to barricade themselves in their common rooms, and the party that was planned for Saturday night at 70 Hoxsey has been cancelled to give the owners of the house time to play Hoxsey Basement 2k19.

Editors-in-Chief

Lucy Walker     Noah Cohen-Greenberg     Sam Mermin