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Due to Another Staff Error, Donald Trump Gives a Speech From a Concession Stand


Last night on every TV network, the soon-to-be-former president spoke to the nation from in front of a tent that appeared to be selling pretzels, snow cones, and popcorn. Holding a slice of pizza in each hand, he began what would be a two-hour address.


“I’m going to give the greatest concession speech anyone has ever given, with the possible exception of Abraham Lincoln, another tremendous Republican” he began.


“I beat Joe Biden just like I beat COVID, and that’s why I’m here to celebrate with this beautiful pizza and coke,” he continued.


“Not many people know this, but concession stands are a great American tradition. Lots of winners come here, and they give fantastic concession speeches until they are tired of winning, and then they go home. I’ve heard some of the greatest leaders in history gave speeches just like this one, but Sleepy Joe, who’s a loser, probably doesn’t know that, because he only watches the fake news.”


The management of Concession Delights said they were surprised when Rudy Giuliani contacted them about renting the space in front of their stand during prime time on Saturday evening.


“Since we don’t even own the spot, we normally don’t rent it out,” owner Brad Smith confessed, “but when they offered $100,000 of taxpayer money we said that that would be no problem and we’d even throw in a free pizza.” Concession Delights is located between an oil refinery on the right and a Sierra Club office on the left, right across the street from the entrance to the cave that Giuliani lives in.


“It’s been a great four years,” Trump continued. “And that’s why I want to say thank you to the American people, not just to the ones who voted for me, but to the ones who wrote in Crazy Bernie on the ballot and to the ones who couldn’t find their polling place, to the Libertarians and to Gerry Mander, and most of all to all the voters who just stayed home. We could only have won this election without you.”


When after two hours a reporter hesitantly asked Trump whether he was certain this was the right sort of concession speech to be giving, the president conceded that perhaps it was just a little insensitive to be gobbling pizza in front of so many people whose local restaurants are closed or who can no longer afford to eat out.

Editors-in-Chief

Lucy Walker     Noah Cohen-Greenberg     Sam Mermin