Dining Services Solves Long-Lines by Throwing a Phoebe Bridgers Concert Every Weekend
Dining Services tried to solve the issue of two long lines, by creating one even longer line. And it did not work. However, last weekend, most of the campus was busy at a Phoebe Bridgers’ concert and lines were incredibly short. After seeing the obvious solution to their problem, administration decided it was time they took the line issue into their own hands.
After talking to several members of the board, Maud Mandel got together a crew. There was the hot one: Doug Schiazza. The bad boy: Scott Lewis. The muscle: Rachel Bukanc. And last but not least, the wild card: Marlene Sandstrom. They decided to ride at midnight. They got into an UberPool, because Maud’s car was in the shop, and were driven to Boston. From there, they wandered around until they found Phoebe Bridgers. And very simply, they kidnapped her.
They brought her back to campus and forced her to live in isolation housing. She was given all her food in tin trays because they ordered WAY too many last year, and every hour Maud would give her a kiss on the forehead to remind her that she’s here out of love.
“We love Pheobes,” Mandel said. “She’s so cool. And yeah we’re on a first name basis. The other day she called me Maudy Shawty. It was so cute. She said ‘Maudy Shawty, let me out.’ Isn’t she such a sweetheart.”
The rest of the crew is excited because they are huge Phoebe Bridgers stans. In fact they listened to Bridgers the entire UberPool ride, bothering the mother of three that was just trying to make her way to Boston to stay with her sister.
“We love Pheobes. We actually listened to her way before she was cool. A lot of us are really into underground artists. She’s not that underground anymore so it’s whatevs but still cool,” Schiazza said, smelling his signed shirt.
According to several sources, Bridgers is being compensated for her “philanthropic” works.
“They threw a really ugly marble thing at me and said it was my payment for my upcoming performance in Chapin. I don’t know how I got into this situation, but can you please let me out.”
Bridgers will be performing her first show this weekend and if the lines aren’t shorter, Mandel has decided to starve all students instead.