Greg Applejack ‘25 knows how to get into Whitman’s for seconds and thirds, he claims. Applejack has been spotted around campus carrying unfathomable amounts of to-go boxes, singing Marvin Gaye’s famous hit “Ain’t No Mountain High Enough.” Monday afternoon, we sat down with this enigma to get to the bottom of his claims. And oh boy, did we.
Applejack greeted our reporter with a friendly smile, sporting chunks of Chicken Tikka Masala between his teeth. “It’s simple,” answered Applejack when prompted. “I have three methods which I alternate between to keep those turnstiles guessing.” He reached into his backpack and pulled out a heaping handful of spicy lentils.
According to Applejack, the first method is the ‘follow.’ “I stand behind a tall person,” he explained, “like, right behind them, like, we’re almost the same person. We enter Whitman’s together. No one knows I’m not part of their back.”
Lucy Tollingsworth ‘23 corroborated this claim. “Yep,” she said, “He sidles up to me sometimes. It’s weird, but who am I to stop a fellow Williams student from getting his fill of Wowbutter cookies?”
Applejack continued, “sometimes I just close my eyes and walk on through. If I can’t see them they can’t see me.” He then winked, or, rather, blinked really hard. We asked an anonymous member of the dining staff whether she’d witnessed Applejack doing this; she said she saw nothing.
Lastly, Applejack described his third method of obtaining extra grub. “This is my favorite,” he stated. “You know the conveyor-belt-type thing? Like where you put dirty plates?” Our reporter nodded sadly. “Well, I like to climb on up there and take a ride,” the sicko said. “Gets me right into the kitchen, where the good stuff is at.” He rubbed his lentil-y palms together like a greedy little troll.
Rumor has it Applejack has been spotted emerging from Whitman’s carrying an entire tray of Italian Pork with a smushed french fry plastered to his face and spaghetti noodles stuck to his legs. “It was shocking,” said Tollingsworth, witness. “There were beans in his hair.”