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College to Provide Special Masks for At-Risk Students Who Are Also Ugly


As administrators continue to monitor the campus environment and adjust public health guidelines accordingly, they’ve decided to make a few changes over the past few days to protect a particular subset of students. On Thursday evening, Dean Sandstrom personally delivered sets of extra-protective masks to a few dozen students who “really, really needed them.”


“Are these students ugly? Sure,” Sandstrom said, without being asked anything about the students’ appearances. “Are they specifically the 48 ugliest students on campus? Well, I don’t want to get into semantics here. But I can assure you that any ‘pattern’ or ‘hard evidence’ is completely coincidental. These students are at very high risk of worrisome COVID outcomes, for reasons that I am not at liberty to divulge.”


Mark Walton ‘23, who received a pack of six masks last night, claims he is ‘appreciative’ of the college’s concern for his health, but has ‘a little bit of trouble seeing’ when he wears one of the masks. “Last night it got dark and I wandered right out onto Route 2 without even realizing it,” Walton told The Haystack. “I pulled down my mask just in time to see a minivan fly by. I couldn’t see who was driving, but I swear I saw Noah Sandstrom in the passenger seat, screaming ‘BABE, THIS HAS GONE TOO FAR.’”


The College has taken many extra steps in housing policies to help contain the spread of the virus. These extra at risk students have been housed in windowless rooms in order to protect the broader campus community. “We didn’t even think about putting them in Greylock,” said Doug Schiazza, director of student housing. “What, where just anyone could look in and see them?” Right now, these ‘at-risk’ students are living in the dungeons under Thompson chapel, or “special off-campus housing” as Schiazza referred to it.


Public health experts have given mixed answers when asked about the effectiveness of the new masks. “We can never eliminate risk entirely,” said Scott Lewis, who may or may not have recently been named the head of the College’s Public Health team. “The point of masks is mostly to protect others. And if you got a good look at these kids, trust me, you’d agree that the mask needs to be going over the whole face. We’re thinking about investing in opaque face shields as well, because everyone knows that if you’re ugly, say it with me, you don’t need to see.”


“Scott just came out and said it?” asked Sandstrom. “Really? Well, yes, fine, it might have something to do with them being ugly. But look—our number one priority is, and has always been, health. If people saw some of these kids faces, there would be a high chance of projectile vomiting, further spreading the virus. And we just can’t take a chance like that. Again, let me emphasize: these kids are just really, really unattractive.”


The administration is also asking these special students to keep their cameras turned off during their remote classes. When we asked what that had to do with the spreading of COVID, a source who wanted to remain anonymous replied “distanced learning is hard enough without having to look at the ugly,” before being sent out of the room by Sandstrom.


At press time, Sandstrom was seen with a Williams College Yearbook and a sharpie writing really mean words over some of the students’ pictures.


Editors-in-Chief

Lucy Walker     Noah Cohen-Greenberg     Sam Mermin