Career Center Also Offering a Few LOSEternships That Might be Better for Someone Like You

In an effort to be a resource to all of the students at Williams with their many different interests, the career center has announced that it will be providing funding for a long list of January “WINternships” in several different fields, and three or four “LOSEternships” for people like you.

While the WINternships are available to students with interests in arts, media, government, public policy, or almost anything else, the career center claims the LOSEternships are meant only for a select group of students who “really should already know who they are.”

Manager of alumni & parent engagement programs Dawn Dellea claims to be ecstatic about the new program. “This is literally the most exciting thing we’ve ever done here at the career center,” Dellea said very very slowly while reading from a document that she was also screen sharing with us and also had sent to us before the interview and also was reminding us to look over after the interview. “It looks like we’re going to have funding for everyone who wants it. Even you, you little piece of shit.”

There is some good news for the group that Dellea initially described as “students well-suited for LOSEternships,” before later shifting to “losers,” “cucks,” and “you.” Instead of the long and complicated WINternship application, students interested in LOSEternships are asked only to submit a picture of themselves. Dellea claims that “in most cases, it’s immediately clear just from the face if you’re a—I mean, if you seem like you’d do well with a LOSEternship.”

While the WINternships require 35 hours of work per week and come with a 1,600-dollar stipend, the FUCKING-LOSERternships involve being a full-time butler for anyone of Dellea’s choosing, writing a nine-page paper each night, and paying 2,700 dollars for the opportunity. But you’re still going to do it, because you’re a pathetic little excuse for a human being who wants to be able to put something on your resume no matter what.

There is no firm deadline for LOSEternship applications. According to Dellea, “If the program is right for you, it’s just right for you, and it always will be.”