Last week, the College quietly changed their policy on meal swipes. Without announcing it to the student body, the administration has decided that all dining halls and snack bars will now accept kisses on the cheek in addition to swipes. The College could not be reached for comment on why specifically this policy was enacted, but an official who asked to remain anonymous did disclose to a Haystack reporter that “it’s official now so no take-backsies. I don’t make the rules :P.” When the Haystack informed her that she did, in fact, make the rules, the anonymous official turned around, walked into her massive house, and locked the door.
The new policy has received mixed reactions from both students and dining hall staff. Many have been left to wonder why, out of all the issues the College could be addressing, this is the one they decided to fix. “We just asked to be paid better,” said chef Donna Paulson. “I guess something got lost in translation in that meeting.” However, dining has seen an influx in job applications from lonely losers looking for a modicum of affection, which has taken the burden off of an overworked staff.
Gary Coleson, who’s probably a student here, is one of the few people we could find who was genuinely excited about the new policy. “I’ve always wanted to give the dining staff a big ole smooch on my way into Whitman’s, but never felt brave enough,” said Coleson, applying chapstick. “I didn’t want to be ‘that guy.’ But now that it’s a school policy, I’ve been forgetting my ID on purpose. I hope the dining staff is ready for these luscious bad boys.”
Most other students simply aren’t ready for that level of intimacy. “These lips are for mother’s cheek only,” said George Tickleson ‘23, a fancy little man. “I’m saving my first kiss on the cheek [with someone other than his mommy] for marriage, so I’m really not comfortable with this. If I lose my ID I’m just supposed to throw away my virginity? Like some common whore?” Tickleson then burst into tears and could not be reached for further comment.
Accordingly, the College has recently established some parameters so no one crosses any boundaries. A European-style kiss on both cheeks is not double the swipe, and blowing a kiss doesn’t count. The official statement released by the administration specified that “a kiss on any other part of the face is ultimately inappropriate for an academic environment, so no tender forehead kisses or mouth-on-mouth, you pervs.”
The majority of students are planning on maintaining the tried-and-true strategy of just walking into dining halls without swiping because they fucking can. Unfortunately, that doesn’t work at the snack bars, so for those low on swipes, a kiss means an order of mozzarella sticks they otherwise wouldn’t be able to obtain. Whether or not that’s a trade worth making depends on how much dignity the student has, which for many Williams students won’t be an issue at all.
“Maybe I’m just trying to spread some love – some genuine human affection on campus. Did anyone think about that?” shouted the anonymous official from the balcony of her truly gargantuan house. “No, no one thought about that because you’re all a bunch of fucking prudes.”
Changes to the policy don’t seem to be coming anytime soon, so Williams students should prepare to pucker up.