On last Friday, February 21st, The Haystack made its most damning discovery yet. And that’s saying a lot. This is the newspaper that brought you such truth-revealing articles as Williams Porn Club Kicked out of Jesup and The Record Endorses Pete Buttigieg for President, Probably.
One week ago, we were tipped off by an anonymous source, Jonah Mixfield ‘21, that the “french fries” served in Mission Park are actually just piglet boners. Our best investigative reporter (me) got down there as fast as I could to check it out, but I got stuck in a long line. I was standing in line for what must’ve been at least ten minutes, and then I saw someone walking down the other side of the stairs, away from the swiping counter.
“Excuse me sir,” I said politely. “To get food, you have to swipe, and to swipe you have to come down this side of the stairs.”
He shook his head. “You don’t need to swipe. They don’t check.”
“But that’s breaking the rules.”
“You’re a little bitch, you know that?”
Needless to say, I was shocked. I had completely forgotten the whole piglet boners thing by this point, which now that I’m thinking about it, someone should probably check out. I went up to a random, average-sized gentleman and asked him if he had ever gone into the dining hall without swiping.
“Have you ever eaten without swiping?”
“Paying for your meals with your ID card.”
He looked down at the table and laughed, and then looked back up at me and said, “Grow a pair.”
“Gah,” I exclaimed, as I clenched both of my fists. There was only one thing left to do. I strode up to the poor lady at the swipe counter and told her exactly what was going on. “Do you have any comment,” I asked, “about the eating without swiping?”
“Oh my goodness!” she exclaimed, “Is this really going on?”
I nodded vigorously.
She laughed at me and said, “Fucking narc.”