Am I going to lose friends by writing this?
Am I still going to say it with my whole chest?
It needs to be said.
Unless you are a child, you have no business riding a bike. Where do you need to go? Abby’s house? So her mom can make you sliced Granny Smith apples and peanut butter and give you a glass of Sunny D that smells just a little bit like their dog? It’s not 2009. You don’t have to be good at Wii tennis. Children need their bikes to feel like they aren’t trapped in the suburbs. In order to escape the terrifying existence that is being a child, they need to pedal their legs and bounce over curbs and look like idiots, but you are an adult. You are an adult. You have no business riding a bike. Go learn how to do your taxes or pay a utility bill.
Bikes are fucking stupid. They’re so unbelievably dumb. Go ahead, picture a whole grown person –– not a child! –– strapping on their silly little bike hat with the stupid pointy part at the front, having to readjust it because their hair sat weird underneath it, awkwardly swinging their leg over from one side while grabbing the handlebars and trying not to fully fall on the ground, doing the stupid little hip tuck to get their ass on the seat, and start peddling. It looks So Dumb!!! Congrats, bike rider, you are the town joke. Ha. Ha. Ha.
My friend Tina broke her thumb yesterday riding her bike. That’s so dumb! How is she supposed to do her embroidery?
Any time I see someone riding a bike around campus all I can think about for the next two minutes is how ridiculously stupid they looked. If you have a bike, feel judged. I am judging you. Your seat is too low and you look like God himself sent you to Earth for the sole purpose of looking like a cockroach that has rolled over onto its back. That’s what your legs look like. Cockroach legs. How does that make you feel, little baby cockroach boy?
Also, bikes are arrogant. Where do you need to go so badly that you can’t just walk like the rest of us? Why are you rushing? Be honest, you don’t have anywhere important to be and you know it. Why is your destination so much more important than mine that you need to pedal in your silly little New Balances and try not to get body checked by a Honda Civic. Why the FUCK do you get your own LANE? The world would be so much better if bike lanes didn’t exist. Fatalities would increase, and the universe would smile.
Be honest. The bike is riding you.