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Ask The Haystack: My JA Is Into Me and I Don't Know What to Do



Dear Haystack,


My JA wants me, and I don’t know what to do.


Picture this: It was my second week here. My JA’s had cooked up some goodies and I was excited to nibble on the whorish brownies. As I reached across the table to grab one of those filthy, dirty brownies our fingers met over a particularly phat one. I looked up and made eye contact with her. She immediately withdrew her hand and mouthed either “Sorry” or “meet me in my room in an hour.” I’m pretty sure it was the second one.


Last week, she told me to feel free to put my stuff in her mini-fridge. Well, the common room mini fridge. But it’s clear what she meant. I’m usually pretty good at picking up these kinds of things.


Just yesterday, she asked me if I needed any help in math. She said I was “clearly struggling with basic algebra” and that “the professor asked me to give you some help outside class so that you don’t fail.” But I’m what you could call a lady’s man, so I could read the signs. 1 PM in the afternoon in Sawyer? I mean, c’mon.


Last night, I ran into her in the hall. I asked her what she was up to and she said that she was headed to take a shower because she’s dirty: a dirty girl who thinks dirty thoughts. She said it as she was walking away though so it's possible she said that it's because she smells like shit from frisbee practice.


All my life, I’ve been told I exude sex. Normally, I’m fine with the ladies tryna get a slice, but I’m getting really uncomfortable. Today, I ran into my JA’s boyfriend. I had to look this poor kid in the eye and say, “Hello.” The guilt I felt being the “other guy” was too much for me to bear.


How can I let her down easily?


Thanks,

Horny but Humble



Dear Horny but Humble,


Thank you for your letter. We chose your letter from the many, many letters we receive from our many, many readers because we were inspired by your impressive moral restraint and level-headedness. You clearly know what you’re doing.


With love,

The Haystack

Editors-in-Chief

Lucy Walker     Noah Cohen-Greenberg     Sam Mermin