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An Interview With Joe Biden



When The Haystack saw The Record’s interview of Amy Sanders, wife of Beto O’Rourke, we were inspired to step up our game and enter the political arena. We are pleased to announce that we scored an interview with former Vice President Joe Biden! Here’s the full, unedited conversation.


Megan Donalds, Haystack Reporter: It’s a pleasure to talk with you today, Mr. Biden.


Joe Biden, Presidential Candidate: And it’s a pleasure for me to look at such a beautiful young woman like yourself.


M: Um, okay. Why don’t we get started with some questions.


J: Sounds good to me.


M: How involved do you think the United States should be in international affairs, and what would you change about our foreign policy?


B: I think that America has to put forth a strong image overseas, but we’ve also gotta be fair to the people we’re dealing with. I mean, we want people to look up to us again.


M: That makes sense Mr. Biden. What specifically would you do to make the world a safer place?


B: Well, think about the TSA. These are good hard-working Americans. I support mandatory TSA pat downs for everybody, and I will even personally pat down some beautiful young women if I have to.


M: Excuse me, sir?


B: Huh? Did I go over the time limit?


M: What? There’s no time limit.


B: First of all: good. Second of all: that’s what I thought.


M: Um, alright. Do you favor increased gun control?


B: Look, America is a divided nation right now. But that doesn’t mean that we’re not still the great U S of A. And I think we can come together and say plainly to the NRA: no more bayonets. There’s just no reason to have weapons of war on our streets.


M: Okay. You are a Catholic. What do you think about people saying that Trump was chosen by God?


B: Anyone who thinks Trump was chosen by God has another thing coming. God's a good fella. And anyway, the only thing that matters is if you were chosen by the American people.


M: That makes sense.


B: And Barack chose me.


M: Hmm. Why hasn’t Barack Obama endorsed a candidate yet?


B: It’s because he’s at the gramophone store. Once he gets home he’ll endorse me, or my name isn’t Margaret Thatcher.


M: Do you mean Joe Biden?


B: That’s right. I’m Joe Biden, and I’m running for President of America. Text JOE2223332232 to Google com org to donate.


M: Sir, there’s blood coming out of your nose.


B: Oh don’t worry, that’ll go away pretty fast.


M: Do you need medical attention? We can reschedule the interview.


B: First of all: that’s malarkey. Second of all: you’re stressed. Everyone’s on-edge because of that man in the White House. And, second of all: that man is Donald Trump. The President of the United States.


Joe puts on his aviator sunglasses, moves behind Megan, and begins massaging her shoulders


B: (In a whisper) We are going to have to end soon though because first of all, and second of all: I have to get up tomorrow for Golden Corral’s early bird special.

Editors-in-Chief

Lucy Walker     Noah Cohen-Greenberg     Sam Mermin