The night is young, and you’re in the bathroom at a Hoxsey Street party. Checking your pristine Patagonia jacket for any stains, you find yourself glancing up at the mirror. Who do you see? Is it someone who’s ready to conquer the dance floor with their barely passable moves and shaky knowledge of the lyrics to Taio Cruz’s “Dynamite”? Maybe someone who can secure a snar date with their Ephmatch hookup? Or do you see someone else entirely? Someone who honestly looks like crap? Someone who can’t handle the night ahead of them? Well don’t you worry, cause your old pals at The Haystack have you covered with five things you can do to pump yourself up in a Hoxsey bathroom that aren’t cocaine. For your health, of course:
1. The Pep Talk
You’re a Williams student, dammit, so stare longingly into that mirror and hype yourself up! Praising the success of the pep talk, Carter Rattigan ‘22 stated, “Yeah bro, I just like get me, ya know. Like no one else gets me more than I get me.” In their respective pep talks, most Williams students will channel the greats like Duncan Robinson or… well, the kind of people that give themselves pep talks in a mirror really only look up to Duncan Robinson.
2. Punch a Wall
Just pretend the wall is your dumb fucking stepdad, Richard.
3. The GP
Dating back to ancient Roman traditions of the communal bathhouse, the GP, or Group Pee, is a storied technique that more Williams students would be wise to adopt. The science behind it is quite simple actually. According to Jack Wilkerson ‘23, a student high on a tab of acid lurking in the dark corners of PareskyAuditorium, “The GP is sacred. As you post up with your dogs in the bathroom, you just become one with everything around you, flushing away all your worries. It’s kinda like group therapy but with like a wavy mentality, ya know?” Wilkerson went on to explain that it’s like totally not gay or anything cause the Romans were super straight. It’s just “dudes vibing.”
4. Take a Shower
After a long day, everyone likes to unwind with a nice shower, so what’s stopping you from doing that in a Hoxsey bathroom? As Samantha Winters ‘20 put it, “Sure, I got some weird glances once I walked out and I heard a couple of people shouting, ‘Who the fuck is in our shower!?’ but, all in all, it was a pretty solid experience.”
Just fucking do cocaine. None of these things even come close to the thrill of coke. Come on, you need this, without the cocaine you are nothing! How bad can it be?! I mean really it’s not even that bad, it comes from a plant. There’s science in it. Come on, you can have a little cocaine, as a treat. What’s the worst that can happen? Just do it, just do coke!