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1 in 2,000: Sarah Williams


Each week, The Record chooses a random unix and conducts an interview. And then, like, once a month or something, The Haystack rips them off. This month, we’re focusing on Sarah Williams-Edu.


H: Hey Sarah! How are you?


S: Fuck you. Fuck you and fuck your mother. I hope you burn in hell, you dumb piece of shit.


H: Cool! Nice to meet you too!


S: I hate you so much.


H: Ok! So Sarah, you’re best known around campus for being the namesake of the student portal! How did you get the honor of having such an important interface named after you?


S: Great question. Not! Got you, you fucking idiot. Anyways. When admin was designing the site, they wanted it to be slow, ugly, and hard to use. And I’m all of those things. So they brought me in to consult, and I made the whole thing worse, and they were so impressed that they named it after me.


H: That’s awesome!


S: Shut up.


H: Haha wow, harsh! Anyway, got any hobbies?


S: Sometimes I like to take little drives around campus.


H: That sounds nice.


S: Yeah, I like figuring out how many Williams students I can run over with my car. My personal record is 17 in one go, but I’m always trying to top it. Can’t rest on my laurels, you get it. Also, kicking dogs.


H: Cool. Any other ones?


S: Yes. Hard drugs. Twice a year, right after registration opens, I do a bunch of drugs and crash the site, and it can’t go back up again until I’m fully sober. This year it was actually back up in record time because Jim Resiche sprayed me with a really powerful nerf water gun. What a narc.


H: Neat! Anyway, a lot of people say the website is ugly, which is weird because this school has a huge endowment and teaches students how to do computer science, like, for their careers. Any insight as to why?


S: Well the school was going to update the site a few years back, but I stormed into Maud’s office and started knocking all her shit off her desk. Then I made her let me sit in the big chair, told her “this is my office now” and reminded her that students would receive a more well-rounded liberal arts education if they couldn’t enroll in any classes because the website sucked so hard. Then she was like “that makes no sense” and I said, “shut up Maud. Maud? More like mud.” And then Marlene and Jim Reische laughed, because they were also in her office, because I texted them and told them to come to her office to hear a sick burn I’d just come up with. And then everyone started chanting “Mud Mandel, Mud Mandel, Mud Mandel,” until she cried and left and now I’m president of the school.


H: Wow, Sarah. No offense, but isn’t that kind of immature? I mean, Mud Mandel? Really.


S: What did you just say to me?


H: I just thought that…. that maybe….


S: Listen, you spineless little maggot. You think, because you did one teensy, weensy interview with me, that you know me? You think you understand me? Trust me, babycakes. You don’t know the first thing about me. You’ve only scratched the surface of what I can do. I, on the other hand? I know everything about you. I know all your secrets. What dorm you live in. What professors you think are hot. What you’re allergic to. Tree nuts, hmm, and penicillin? How cliche.


H: How did you --


S: I know what meal plan you’re on, what PEs you’ve done, how many swipes you’ve used buying those stupid little yogurts from Lee’s. I’ve got you all figured out, darling. And most importantly, I know what credits you need to graduate. Let’s see…. History major with a minor in Comp Sci, right? So well-rounded!


H: Please, Sarah, I didn’t mean--


S: Haven’t taken 301 yet? Tsk tsk! Someone’s a little bit behind! Don’t you worry, my little munchkin. Mama’s got you. Mama’s gonna keep you safe. After all, it would be such a shame if you were to get… dropped… from that class. Wouldn’t it? Wouldn’t it just be a crying shame?


H: You-- you wouldn’t.


S: Wouldn’t I? (Sarah then laughed maniacally, while our reporter cowered in fear) Of course, there are ways to avoid all that. Ways to make all this unpleasantness just go away, hmm? You’d like that, wouldn’t you, pet?


H: Yes! I take it back! You’re not immature! And Mud Mandel is a really awesome insult! Super devastating!


S: That’s better. I love it when students grovel. Now, run along, little one. You don’t want to be late for Acting 204. According to your class schedule, it starts in ten minutes.


H: Yes, of course. I’m so sorry, Ms. Williams-Edu.


S: Apology accepted. Oh, and darling? Don’t you ever fuck with me again. Not unless you want to get enrolled in three PE’s every semester until you graduate.